give me coffee. i immediately bounce up and prowl onto you with utter nonsensical nonsense. its like those caffeine gets into the blood, and it travels all over the body. and i translate it all through words, blabber, crap from my mouth.

but then again. it isnt exactly the coffee i feel. its that self-perception. maybe i really am trying my best to stand up once more. you see me trying to laugh sometimes, but when i am just happy inside, you said i am emo. yes iris?

i cant just keep falling back into square one. no matter how much it costs, no matter how it still stings and hurts instanteously upon encounters with the past. no matter how much i still cant give it up.

i wont give up. but i gotta be stronger than that. at least have control over your life again. at least enable ppl around me to smile. its terrible that feeling, and i dont wish anyone to feel it. at least i didnt put on a facade. that was something i was proud of. i cant act like i am strong all the time. kills my whole soul.

so this time. let me try once more. i promise you, kaichuen, i will do it.