god.

3 months just passed without a single record right here.
3 intense months of my life: 1 for the prep for the o's, 1 for the o's itself. 1 for the aftermath.

it seemed to me then that this blog ain't really that crucial to me, but then again, i felt less focused of some sort, minimal empowerment and upholdings of the values of my life. everything seemed to die down, and stay low. maybe there weren't much elaborated things i had done, maybe i chose not to do them at this moment. looking at my previous blog entries, these sentences up above immediately lost to those written previously, the feel is gone, and together with it, the self-confidence.

i started this entry without a focus, i thought it's time to try something different, only a difference can enable a man to reflect and correct/improve. a difference enables choice. i didnt realised, but it had translated into two focuses. haha. intriguing. well, there maybe a focus afterall, a focus to have two focuses because i just cant focus on one, or a focus to not focus at all. indeed, my mind needs defragmenting.

first focus
everytime there's a dont, there's a do, a ying to yang. everytime i say i havent blog for a long time here, its the time i blogged again. there seemed to be some physics still. everytime i do so, i would question the quality of blogging. has it really helped ease my concentration? smoothen out the thought? ( every action, there's a reaction) and somehow, i believe that blogging is just another medium of penning down the vast amount of magical information it can process. we all want our lives to be recognised, to be re-read again. we have ideas that churns out deep in our sub-consciousness, making us believe that we can speak wonders, we can develop and imagine miracles. so we blog, we write. and what we get from it is that tranquility, that momentary peace and ease, that knowledge of being able to control your life. the thoughts you registered. but to me still, blogging is a mere substitute. u cant be blogging 24/7, and even if you are, your brains register the aches of the fingers, the hunger and the fatigue amidst those brilliant thoughts.

hell, i still want that temporary tranquiliser, even if it means knowingly defying myself, giving myself the false conception that i am on top of things, the illusion that i know alot. all i hope is that when my thoughts flow, people can feel me, people can accept me. and tht's all tht matters, when my friends acknowledge, understand and relate back with their thoughts. it seemed this tranquiliser is a special one. but i know i cant always blog, it cannot be a distraction. i will only blog for the people around me, the ones who truly cared. lol.

second focus
i highlighted one of the lows of my life, the inability to understand why i just dont seem to be doing alot to be recorded down into this journal. when i still lived my life in sji, everyday seemed to be important, everyday seemed so packed full i couldnt breathe. everyday was a lesson. comparative to now, right smack in the crossroad between a josephian and a cjcian, those were like written on the battlefield, now were merely the recuparations when thoughts about the battlefield were like running on the marathon.

people my age took this period of time, that crossroad, at differential amounts of importance, or even at different aspects altogether. most went to work, to experience, though little, alittle about the psychology behind jobs of various medium. in this society, this system had been printed unto us, that after 16 , after o's there will be a break before you go to the next level of education. yet, humans, as humans do, will definitely do various things that are unique to themselves. still many had the overarching idea of a phase in life, a crossover, like from a teenager to a young adult. i rmbered how bro mike identified these things to celebrations held even through ancient times, when ppl marry, even how boys become men in ns.

when some of my friends work, i believed they are preparing for the vast society away from home/school. a phase indeed.

some took to immense preparation for jc life. a phase to feel prepared.

here are even a minority who would go to the aspect of changing their room design and positions.

i found this really special, how people accept that every end have a new beginning.

me? i had a plan. a phase in mind, that i wanted to focus on tightening the bonds with my friends and even create new bonds with the friends of my friends and to also improve on various skills that i had neglected to achieve. that must be the phase that had disillusioned me into thinking i were wasted this holidays. i shouldnt be low, i should be doing what i set out to do, without any regrets. come to think of it, i might have accomplished some already. so. i didnt work, i didnt change my room design. hardly even knowing it, i did what i set out to do. :) luckily. haha.

well, sometimes we just feel like giving up, thinking that we are not at our optimum, but think again and think hard, your sub-consciousness pushed you to do something during the period u thought u didnt do anything valuable. and then that's your life in the middle of the end and the beginning of your student life.

god. bloody long. tell me if you survive this AND found it meaningful, its just one of the million thoughts in my head, like those in urs. i wont read it again, so i dont feel the boring factor. that's the consequences for the long absence here. the cons are on u! my friends who are willing to want to read.