Shanghai trip wasnt really finished. stopped at day 5.. i will try to update it as soon as possible.. but oh well, if tht continues, i will forget bout my life this week man.. its again NCC.. i am so into it now, bout the taking over and stuff, i wonder how i fare in other aspects of my life.. anyway..

Thursday.
as i was adjustin my pt kit on the track on thursday, i was called by jovian, my csm, to be the 2ic for ncc(land) supporting contingent.. oh well, i will jus hav to do it, i should be able to go to the guard-of-honour contingent tmr.. and yes, i learnt alot of things..being the i/c for the whole of ncc(land), sec 1-3, always i was in the contingent itself, listenin to the i/c and actually havin more roles in the annual parade itself.. it was kinda cool, but that wasnt wad i want.. anyway, supporting cont rehearsal ended early & exhausted as i always am, rushed thru my works. i was told i am in Guard-of-Honour contingent(GOH) for tmr's rehearsal.. was okay with tht, yes, tht's more like it. martin did a good job as the i/c and i can already feel our interaction time being cut down very much..

Friday.
Now i was adjusting my No.4 uniform, around me all the sec 4s, i am in the GOH contingent, when mr jude tan punished us. thr were latecomers and my hands were burning on the 'boiling" track be4 we noe it. we are all in push-up position..>.< seeing eevryone endurin like mad, i persevered too. i expected this much, GOH's standard should be very different from supporting cont. here are all the sec4s and 3s.. wad do you expect? then jovian, my csm, again asked me out.." u be the escort in the colours party" woah..now wad's tht.. as i wandered over, i saw nigel, hey at least another sec 3 with me. someone i noe well too, he was as blur as me.. we were actually supposed to escort one flag bearer, right behind him, it was very cool.. i didn even noe bout this last time.. luckily i adapted quick, with e ncc(air) master sergeant, teachin me as we go..haha. i was actually in the colours party, i was really happy.. not for long.

after e rehearsal, we were bac at the parade square. drills to select who to be in..i thought nothing, kinda confident i will be in.. LOL.. i was kicked out somehow. "Encik, then wad bout the escort in the colours party? wad do i do?" "oh tht, most probably we will get another person.." this is it, this is too much.. its not my drills, i dunno.. i looked bac at him, he looked away.. it might just be a test, i had enough these past weeks, they tried to pull me down..

i fall out. we went to rest. zul was out too, he was okay with it. i looked at the rest, hey, this is not wad i think it is.. i thought of Ben's words.. "No matter wad u receive, wad u are given, stay strong and accept it as best as you can.." i tried to smile. then i thought of xd. "Your mind is the only thing separating between a win and a loss." i still couldnt believe it, mayb time will reveal.. this is wrong.. i was kinda proud with myself, i didn break.. i still talk confidently.

So many tests hav they put me thru, i dunno whether i do well or badly, but one thing i am sure, i did wad i will do when i am myself, when i am kai chuen. i promise myself tht i will be strong enough for anythin tht is to come. i tell myself i will get wad i want, to the best of my ability.. u think i am a machine? i dun think i will be able to do this forever, they are playin wif my mind..

then, i finally had a nice long talk with chu xian after ben's debrief.. i broke in front of him. i show him my soft part.. seriously, i actually thought wrong bout him these past few years.. was he really tht egoistic, tht over-enthusiastic.. i nearly lose a nice friend becoz of all these competitions.. we are but victims from all this greed for power.. i think friendship is so much, so much more important than ranking, then being the "omg".. sorry chu xian.. for actually hating u for wad u were last time.. hope we can still amend this disillusion, this misunderstanding... i cant really say much, u noe wad i mean..

then again, wad am i to do now? cry over wad i might not get? i just got to be patient, there are lots more things to accomplish NOW than juz thinking bout the future.. i can only help myself through this. come on, let me be strong.. nothin gonna beat me down again..


Your mind is the only thing separating between a win and a loss - Hsuan Te