Thursday, October 04, 2007
truthfully,
what hurts the most, it really was being so close. it was so fast, it was all too sudden. and only when life takes a drastic turn do you realise what truly is important. when the diagnostic states a few more months, we indulge in the perception that time is limited, but time was still what we had. until things go unaccording to plan. inaccordance to time.
and what's left, there's only regret. for me, grief was a mere by-product. i regretted not having spend enough time, not knowing more about you. not being there. and when you were still talking, even if you were in the hospital, i busied myself with my own commitments, the magnitude of what's happening never enters thoroughly. right until the news came that you were unconscious, we rushed. by then, time wasnt a factor anymore. it was too late. all i saw, was how hard you struggled and that pains me so much, i couldnt describe that feeling.
and now. i will never ever have the chance. to ever see you. to even address you or hear your voice.
when everything was put to stop, when i had to try pulling myself together, and keep studying for that promotional examinations, i realise how difficult it was to keep staying strong. to keep emotions away for the time being to focus on what's "important". and then i would finally realise that exams compared to your family is next to nothingness, that's when i had to discontinue taking my H1 geography. and even doing all my papers, everything was at the back of my head, and i couldnt concentrate. how could anyone human ever do that. how could a grandson knowing that time for his grandmother is limited still "mug" like a mugger, for all that's worth my name.
the whole 5 days of the wake, from the very beginning of seeing her once more, still and never will be alive again, never will i hear you laughing at my mom whenever they chat, and to sending her off to ashes, it was difficult. the fact that time still moves on, while a family of 15 tries to keep things in control. and the effort i put in, was merely a fraction of everyone's perseverance to not breakdown. it was these kind of scenario that you see the fragility, the essence of the vulnerability of life. there's a thin line, that will always snap, only to be reinforce, a stronger thicker one. seeing them tear, it was when reality strikes. we keep moving, occasionally picking the one beside us along the way, but are we ever prepared for such a thing. ignore old age, and bring in the fact that she is the mother for my father. and she is my grandmother. and all the more if they are older, that you have spent much more time with them.
all wasnt gone, because this departure brought the family closer together, because me and melvin finally got to talking again. and i realise that you maybe the one still pulling the strings, still enabling us, as the eldest of the family, to strengthen our bonds. we prayed together, some cried together. and we smile knowing that things will never be the end. knowing that her legacy will forever be passed on. and we looked like family again.
that very last moment, there was only solitude, and understanding that death escapes noone. and i am sure, you passed away knowing that you have built your family well and proper. till even i, will forever respect and love you. there were quiet tears and a peaceful ending.
this experience may have been known to many, but it was my first. and till now, i cant believe i was so calm throughout. being the youngest in the family, it really tested my maturity, just this whole issue enlightened me so much.
like how my sister quoted that "you'll be in our hearts, always" indirectly in her msn nick, i would want to thank you for being who you are. for i know you were there for my father, for who he is today.
i will miss your presence. we all will, but you will be here,deep within, embedded deep inside my heart.
i remembered writing in one entry about grandma. i only have one more grandmother. and this time, i will never regret.
rest in peace, mama.
3:47 PM