okay, i didnt know what compounded me to write something so technical about the wonders of the world of Marvel because i am supposed to be very reflective and write about emo stuff all the time (according to you)

have you ever wondered how things can change when you are in passivity? when the more you dont do anything but soaking them all in will result in radicality of mutated forms. i think the word i can use here is conformity when there is a social stigma to stick together and not be different, that results in the disillusionment and the desensitisation of the human faith and feelings.

because of the two H1 paper that had driven me to a new mugging mode, where there's so much to remember and so much to experience and when the past has led to a classic impact on the future and especially the present now, things in the social circle for me is turning to a bad state. i know you told me once before, and i guessed i have told myself many times before, that its not worth it if conformity leads to a less than ideal outcome of fellowships and bondings, and one's own belief must still be the centre of all decisions, yet it seems there's a direct relationship to the word loneliness. all i know now is that i still have you guys there where i can place my embrace into, if not physical then psychological, the people that are in small pockets of my everyday life. the only irony is that they were the people i thought i was conforming to then, some of them at least. for you all who still matters, for you all whom i still could develop any emotions too, i hope it will propel further into my life forever, that it will stay there forever in my heart.

i remembered blogging about relationship being personal rather than group, but maybe i am the only poor soul who sought to think otherwise, with adverse effects of course. if its not working for me, i hope at least i have not destroyed my own concept of life. till then, academics will have to suffice, and for you all that are still around, i will cherish, without a doubt.

this is to you too, my best friend. for whatever happens, i am there as much as you were once there for me. for i remembered you raising a point that i should move forward when i had a breakdown then and stop relying on you. and i disliked it one bit then. but guys are guys, and the absence of emotions will be the strength of our relationship. i am glad that you are able to stand up again without my prior notice. but whatever happens, i will still be there, not just a phone call away, because i hope i will never have to be away from you.

when Iron Man made his way into the big screen, the latent potential of my interest in superheroes, especially the universe of Marvel and its superheroes, suddenly ensued out like artesian wells that has found their exits from their groundwater storage.

When it all began with Batman and Spiderman taking turns entering Hollywood, i thought of them as singular and not of the bigger picture that they all belong to Marvel. Even Hulk and Fantastic Four and definitely X-Men, just to name a few. Yes, we all know that superheroes are easy money in the showbiz but I have failed to realise how boys a few generation before me had spend countless amount of their childhood and adolescent years reading comic issues of their favourite superheroes.

Until Iron Man came about, he was like my posterboy of Marvel, because of his metallic body and his not-so-human outlook. And when i found out that Iron man has a post end-credits scene that we have sadly missed, about the Avengers, which seemed like a very old name from an ancient comicbook, it finally got me thinking that these superheroes are intertwined by the very creators of Marvel.

I still remembered Iron Man from one of the few cartoon series when i was young, he didnt appeal to me much because of the graphic i guess, but they are already animated. Spiderman and Batman may have been immortalized but Iron Man had got me wanting more. I wish to dwell back into my father's generation, into those days where every comic issue was worth anticipating for. Plagued by modernisation, i decided to wiki on Iron Man which I hardly know anything about except for the movie and the metals and i got so much information of the Avengers. Marvel had definitely come a long way. I have but just touched the tip of the iceberg.

While you are preoccupied with Lumpy the Heffalump and the newly introduced Katie, i wished to be able to experience what it is like reading all the issues of all the superheroes created by Marvel. Especially when Marvel has just begun including a political stance in their comics where all of the big names come together. But that may wait until after A's, because right now, the A's have got to be my comic issue, a chapter of the story of my passage in life.

and the common tests were over before i realised what hit me. and time passed even quicker as i am tormented by the various obstacles that undoubtedly blinded my very judgement of life. its already the beginning of may, two months since my latest post and finally i am able to sit down and start typing, start over the life i once had.

but not for long. this calm assumption will only last me a few more days before the stark reality of the midyears will haunt me once more. the first ones especially the H1s, which i havent begun to even revise.

the main reason i have gathered as i honed my skills of self-reflection away from my blog, is complacency and a really thick head of thinking that i am a busy man and thus can be excused from any results below expectation. the previous entry before this actually meant very little to what i have come to rely upon. true, i felt the calmness, of being in control of examinations, but there's only the very fact that i have been through countless no. of exams, and an equal no. of exams which turned out to be failures. that's why i have tricked myself to be emotionless about any results lack thereof. the constant reminders from my alter ego says "excused because of commitments beyond any normal human beings, excused because i have already tried my best"

what's worse, after the failure of the common tests, i rejoiced deep within because i made myself believe that i did better than many people. which is true, but is false too. and common tests come before march hols, and i am not prepared and the syllabus is too much. the list goes on.

i quietly wait for the next test and then my next verdict. i will not so much as promise anyone anything about any results. but this time, i will humbly take the tests and much as i want it. as much as i really will, try my best. i hope this time, i am in the right path.

because this time, studies is my excuse for anything else.

never have i felt so calm before the onslaught of a major examination.

no its definitely not because i prepared sufficiently, or boosted my ego significantly, its just like every other examinations thus far; the feeling of minute hopelessness, sudden gush of fake confidence, and making sure that everything will go well because i have managed to saturate my brain till it holds every single detail. with the false sense of security i will walked through every examination hall, and then panicked during the paper, and tell myself i will try better after this.

is it because i finally got used to this routine? does that mean it doesnt mean anything to me anymore? i believed that its neither the two. every examination oozes a different aura, a different level of alarm and grief. and they always meant something to me, not just a gauge, not just a point of reference; but a promise.

yet, my life is such that it just seemed that there's so much more that's important in this life. that i finally realised that even though we are students, examinations cannot take the very essence of humanity away. we cant bluff ourselves into thinking that its the priority, its our life, and the real life awaits because of what we are doing now.

after listening to so many people having conflict with life and examination, of how there's still the emotions in all of us to think about what hits the heart the most, of how loved ones arent doing so well, of how things dont seem too well in a relationship, how they are affecting studies and the ability to perform; i think i need you all to know, that we should believe in ourselves and believe in the capacity we have as humans to treasure what really mean the most to us. of course, we should all strive for excellence in academics, but it cannot be seen as an obsession, of life in itself. but i strongly believe in just trying your best in doing what you think is right and then to obliterate all worries. as long as our hearts lie unconvinced and thoroughly hurt and exhausted, examinations will never be at our full capacities.

i realised that i am alittle calmer, because i know whatever grades i receive, they are a true reflection of how much i tried, despite the trials that come. they are reflections of how much i have screwed my life with making sure the rest of the other aspects of my life is catered to. they make you realised how much something matters to you and as long as the spirit and passion remain, remember we can always do the impossible. its two days before this round of examination begins and i hardly completed my revision, i am sure it would not be wonderful, but i will keep trying. keep trying but never destroying the flame that burns within.

take care, and do your best. and laugh over it, knowing you can make the difference. because if you fail, you just got to make sure you try harder. because if you shine, then you have done the impossible. and if you just passed, you are perfectly human, and loved.

this is for all of you pulling your hair out in frustration, keep faith.

and especially for you; because i know its been a rollercoaster. make sure you ride it first, and let me ride it with you, and only when the last descent, will we hop off and shine together. you know i will always be here when you need me; because i would never want to see you giving up and giving in to failure. i know you are much more than that, it doesnt have to be this common test. but i want you to know, i will watch over you no matter what because i care for you. so keep that chin up and it will be over before heffalumps become centres of attraction again. (and all the promises for the weeks to come.)

she will be in my prayers, and you will smile more, not because you studied enough, but because you chose to embrace life, rather than embrace chemistry lecture notes.

its crazy knowing that just a little less than a year, we were new j1s oblivious to everything about cjc, starting life's next journey, making sure its all perfect.

today's welcoming ceremony brings me back to that time when i was one of those eager j1s, a htc for the class i barely knew, receiving the collar pin knowing that life moves on another chapter. knowing that i belong there and will have my life revolves around it, a second chance to a new environment. i fully understood how these j1s felt, affirmed and part of the cj family. seeing my classmates putting on the collar pins for the juniors, admist my very own, it dawned onto me how much we have grown. the significance of just one year, little it may seemed, was a full transformation; of hope, of maturity, of confidence.

slowly, we will see how things arent as stagnant as it seemed; how change is essential, and significant enough at that. how we will learn to adapt, and relook at our very own core of principles; of beliefs and paradigms. and finally come to terms, knowing that we have entered a whole new realm of the real world.

to ig31, 1t31, ig13, for you have been the closest j1s as 2008 begins. i wish you well, and i wish you all will never give up, on the passion and drive you guys always had within yourself. always believe in yourself; fall down and climb back up.

and to 2t36, as we begin our route till the end, never forget that i had faith in you guys from the very beginning. and in the end, this experience of our class, will only be embedded in our memories of cjc forever.

good luck in finding the strength, good luck in all the obstacles.

how much courage does it take to move out of your comfort zone and search for the truth?

how much pain are you willing to bear to understand the truth that may hurt deep down into the spine?

how much would you do for a friend you never did trust at first?


one day, you began to realise that nothing can be seen at face value, that what you see is not exactly what you get. that what you get is not really truly whatever you get too.


i believe in personal relationship more than the relationship, the health of a group. trust should be forged between two person regardless of any circumstances. little did i realise how trust can be compared and how its can be compared to a level where there leaves a casualty. where the smaller trust results in distrust and betrayal.


this is to a girl who meant quite significantly to me.

i dont know what happened but things went into a downfall. and its an irony because it had to be us. when all things were crazily fine. when i thought our friendship was splendid and nothing could break the two of us up, or maybe the three of us up, there seems to be an increasing pressure of mistrust. is it because it may seem too perfect, that doubts started to surface? or is it of external factors that relinquish the trust that we always had with one another?

i would never doubt you, but it seems i have grown tired of explaining times again and again about myself. of course, i would want to be innocent but the other party would be closer to your heart and it would be a difficult situation. i remembered telling you that trust is always relative and its very different from truth. letting go is much easier than letting in, and i can no longer explain anymore. what's best for you is for you to be in your comfort zone and not have turbulence trying to find the truth in me. all i ever wanted is for you to be happy, even if it would mean you not getting the side of the story.

al that is left for me to say is for you to believe in me.

because never have i encountered such misunderstanding, such psychological attack on an already wounded,exhausted soul of mine. i will do fine without your support, but i will not do fine with a resentment from your part.

from the very beginning, when we have already met, we are and will forever be friends. but i can no longer be comfortable with expressing myself to you again.

sorry for creating such opportunity for an ending. it is in my deepest regret.

and thank you for everything really. for those times spent knowing that i played a part in
crafting your life story and for you to have crafted my very own.

friends forever. :)

this year, i have been drifting in the background, absorbing everything that came my way. people's feelings; people's perception of life; of hope; of togetherness; of seperation.

it began during orientation when the spotlight was on the new j1s. and subsequently in council, in every aspects of my life.

sometimes you feel that you arent there for yourself, you were merely there for the other people around you. and no, its not about you doing anything for them, but just you in the shadows of the rest, listening to other lives' stories instead of forging your own.

and when i thought about those thoughts, i realise that actually i had done what a kaichuen would do. to be there for others when they most needed someone. to be the support, the playmaker. to be there for one of my best friends to win the heart of another girl, to be there to prevent more political unrests in the upcoming 2nd orientation, to be a body part: a shoulder, a ear.

i kinda like what i am involved in now, to know that i could make a difference for the better. the most i could do for someone else to forge their own story. just to be that one element in their life stories, to let them cross the boundary of accomplishing their one shot at fame; at recognition. no matter how small the role is. yet to know you all even considered asking me for some guidance, i really want to thank you guys for giving me that affirmation that i meant something to you all.

to that best friend who would know who he is after reading this, that everything that i have said to you, is what i would have done if i were you. as much as you will take the final victory,it doesnt matter to me, for everything that i have done. i chose to want to be there for you. i just want to say that, you cannot lose hope and you got to keep trying because i havent lost faith in you. write that wonderful story, and make me proud.

sometimes, a hero needs to be in the shoes of his sidekick to know what it truly meant to be that main character.

sometimes, a sidekick is actually a hero too and a greater hero at that.he is the hero for a hero.

river tributaries come together to form a single stream.
the source, the beginning was rocky, unpolished.
but as the paths continue down the ever-quest of reaching the final goal of the sea,
paths were joined, the energy of the river becomes much more.
united. voluminous.

and when i see all the different faces, i see uncertainty, fear, but on the other realm : carefreeness, the strong desire for discovery, the strong willpower, belief and self-confidence emanating from every individual.

that was the beginning of the third day of the new year.

you all effectively brought me back one year ago, when i was directly in your shoes, fresh from a chapter of my life, not exactly ready for the next, yet time waits nobody.

because of this, the thought never left me throughout the 6 days. that everyone of you have a story to tell. that everyone of you is unique and complicated beneath just the shell of a new student in cjc. and to have all your stories converging into a single one, it was more than abstract. i chose to listen, to understand your life because i didnt want you all to lose the pasts.

and then we introduced, and we moved on together. me as your driver, me as your link. i began to see magic, a magic resonating from everyone of you. the feeling of feeling for one another. yet i could hardly remember how i did it myself. you all effectively reminded me of who i am once more.

being able to smile in a foreign environment. being able to start to smile. everytime i see you all enjoying yourself, it makes me feel that everything i did was worth it. i need you all to know, everything you all did for one another and for me, its all worth it too.

at the end of the eighth day of the new year, i thought what i have done was over. to facilitate that magic, to give sparks that will unite all of you. from the becoming of acquaintances to friends. and i remembered how widely i smiled that finale night. that finale that brings about a new beginning. and its back to my own reality, while you guys carry on by yourself. i may only be a memory to your beginning.

that is why, you dont know how much you made me feel, IG31, when you gave me a card with all the affirmations. the thankyous, when i thought i should have my thankyous for you all too. you all made me feel that orientation was not just a reality, but one special journey.

keep striving, and keep believing in yourself and keep believing in the faith that brought all of us together.

thank you, IG31. thank you, 1t31.

4 weeks into the new year, life have never been this busy.

last year didnt seemed to have an ending, i can hardly remember how i spent that last day of 2007, when the clock struck 12 way into midnight. it was a lazy "happy new year" to my lovely mom and it was back to some mundane stuff i got to complete everyday. and that was the end of JC1 life, that year of constant motion, unrest, surrealism. the year of "vehement deluges."

this entry is about promises. its about believing in yourself, and believing in believing.

why resolution?
why new year's resolution?

because i never believed in them. i could not remember when i forgotten about the need of constant rejuvenation, of sharpening the saw, the 7th habit of "highly effective people". my stand was that years were merely forms of recognition, of proper filing of things; yet time , i felt, were never once sectionalised into phases. everything from the time you were born, the past they called it, rides itself into the future, the you now is the summation of the yous 17 years ago. it became definite to me the crossing of 2007- 2008.

and i thought many didnt too. promises were made by myself, for myself, anytime i see fit. But have i really promised to promise myself? Or have i just gone by instincts the last year? Was i sharpening the saw, or was the saw sharpened by the obstacles that come my way? And as i stepped into a new "phase" of time, do i resign to my paradigm of time? Or is it about time I held to my promise years ago in the white shorts, the simple promise of being my very best?

And resolutions come alive once again in that very forgotten heart of mine. Oh yes, i want to make a promise to myself this "year". its a simple resolution of knowing that i have not forgotten about myself, of knowing that the promises i made stay in me forever. of being the one i can be proud of once more.

i never believe in that phrase that promises are meant to be broken. and i will hold through to that belief. or will i not? lets get moving.

copy. paste.
4 weeks into the new year, life have never been this busy.

copy. rephrase.
Will i sharpen the saw, or will the saw be sharpened by the obstacles that come my way?

copy. paste.
2007.

sometimes there's so much uncertainty in life, you dont know what to make of it, dont know what to comprehend, and unsure of how to deal with the constant fear of the unknown.

the uncertainty of your future path, the uncertainty of the dangers that lie ahead. the uncertainty of the uncertainty.

sometimes there's faith too, the presence of confidence and the trust even if we travel to the ravines of the unknown. the knowing that even if you are unknowing, everything will still turn out right. (even if its wrong.)

what makes then, the constant struggle between the two equally dubious human nature? do we try to make sure we find the answers, no matter how ugly and how dangerous the truth is, or do we remain faithful and keep believing that life is not as bad as we all think?

when it comes to human relations, this all reaches another level. because where uncertainty lies, it means distrust, when distrust occurs, it means losing a friend, losing a close one, losing the love of your life. if that's the ending result, then why not trust wholeheartedly. will that be easy? will that ever be easy?

for me, i go with the latter to the previous question. i like having faith in people. and of course, lots of people have faith in other people. we tend to give ourselves more, and give ourselves easily. but is that because we want others to have faith in us too? do we trust others for others to trust ourselves? how deep would that be to the heart? and when finally the truth comes, the hurt remains everlastingly.

i still have a tinge of faith, this reservoir of endless faith in me that kept me going, that i can often tap into when truth deceives me. how long will that last then, how long will others last? is that in itself deception? i always believe that we should make the best of what we can in our lives. (because its singular and all)

so no matter what, so no matter how uncertain what lies ahead, i still choose to live by promises. because for me, promises are not meant to be broken. promises may stay, promises may break. promises lie not in the end-result, its the process of wanting to make a promise. like many lessons learnt, many experiences gained. we may break a promise, but without even making that promise; to others, to yourself, do we even have the chance to keep faith? or will we be more uncertain of life's trials?

but promises: they keep us all stronger, keep us all alittle more -faithful, throughout a lifetime.

When the year draws to an end, the weather drops around here. cold and silent, like the winters in some countries away from the equator. The heat dissipates, and disappears like there is no more drive to continue striving as we all did throughout the year. Coincidentally, our break falls in the month of December, as the silence draws long before we have another new year of meeting datelines, meeting goals, meeting new friends.

This year, i realised the importance of this break, this timeout. After all the vibrancy of 2007, of loss, of hope, of grief, i realised i have more or less lost the meaning of living truly despite the flamboyant nature, despite the many trials and events i had to face. of course, we still stick to the bare minimum of identity, of socialising. Yet we aren't exactly living but anticipating for the next major events where we can get back to who we truly are. Though we all shouldnt be complaining as we are striving for excellence in academics, but it is often essential to understand how we are exactly living our lives. True, academics takes priority, yet its not our lives but part of our lives.

And that's why holidays bring us back to where we left off for our academic quest, it brings us back to reality with a tint of magic. because reality is not when we are pursuing education, reality is when we can choose to live like how we want to live.

Yet we must know, that as long as we can manage time well, that the whole year can be holidays for us, when we are able to reflect and remember who we truly are. and that's what i set out to do next year. i wish that i would not be absorbed into the cycle of schoollife that i will ultimately forget myself once more, that every second that we are living are entitled to our very own choices, and our very own paths to choose from.

but still then, how has the holidays been for you?



"This list, these people, their future is written on their DNA just as the past, it seems, is written in stone. Was the die cast from the very beginning, or is it in our own hands to alter the course of destiny? Of all our abilities, it is free will that truly makes us unique. With it we have a tiny but potent chance to deny fate and only with it can we find our way back to being human."

"look at this photograph, everytime i do it makes me laugh.."
Photograph- Nickelback

flipping through the pages of a photo album, peppered with photographs, color and greyscale, i see all the smiles of the people i love and would regard as my loved ones forever.

captured forever are the smiles, the youth, the radiance and especially the togetherness; the connectivity that still binds us today, binding us forever in each brilliantly-taken photo with love.

it's no wonder that our moods are always at cloud nine, always at our best, because never will we take a photo of a moment of sadness, anguish, pain. but then, this meant that photographs arent stories of our lives. they are stories, chapters of our happiness.

but as time passes, we live what we called life and go about toiling, persevering, long forgetting about those memories that was left behind in smooth paperbacks, frozen in time. did we take a photo so that we can remember the happiness? did we take them so that we can look back on all those beautiful emotions? or did we take them, as an excuse to tell ourselves that we did enjoy life, and so the hardship is worth it?

when i looked back at all those photos my mom suddenly showed it to me, the word nostalgic came to my mind. the nostalgia wasnt from friendship, it was really family. after grandmother passed away, the whole family of relatives and all seemed to grow more sensitive, like the fabric of life grew alittle less, alittle more fragile. i know i felt that way, and when i looked at the photos, some of them with grandmother inside, lively and smiling prettily with obvious signs of aging, never would i thought she would one day be gone, i felt funny. a burning sensation of wanting to go back to the past.

then there were photos of me when i was growing up, when i was a mere toddler, innocent, and devoid of the feelings that i have now, devoid of comprehension and knowing only fun. frozen in action, i see myself chewing toys, looking cheeky.

of course
the smiles are always there.

it awes me to know that before me, life had continued for my parents, for my uncles and aunties, when their parents were alittle younger, my grandmother. when my father was so much younger and when mom and dad were courting and then finally married. i couldnt help but look at the people around the photos, oblivious to the snapping of the bulky camera, my uncles and anyone i know now captured in candid. they had their cool moments then. it awes me to realise that sometimes i am confused with the amount of time we are given. sometimes its incredibly fast and you cant get enough, but when you look back into the past, it seems eons away when its only 17 years of my age.

when life gets so tough, some people goes back to looking at photographs, but wouldnt that make it all the more sadder? to know that what's once present is now no longer existent. to know that those happiness, those youth will never be the same again? that should be what my mom thinks when she looks back.

but looking at such photos, it really doesnt fail to make you smile. i know i did. and a genuine smile that is near extinct now in this world. even if it meant looking at someone you dont quite know but hes actually you four times smaller and that much cuter.

if you got the time, look back once more. take out that ancient, crumpled photo album with one side of the cover missing. immerse yourself in forgotten memories, for they will surely bring you further. for those smiles and laughters are priceless beyond anything we can ever get.

jack of all traits, master of none.
it seems like a negative connotation. actually it is.
and that's what some people had described me as. :)

and indeed, i have come to realise that i have always been trying to expose myself to as many things as possible, never seriously indulged in anything that i am good at. what am i even good at? humour me people.

since i discovered more about myself, a few years back, i realised i have been jumping from an area to another. i remembered how it began long time ago, when i was in more than 4 ccas in primary school. and when i was chosen to be in the badminton team for sji and i decided to join ncc, venturing into the unknown aimlessly and enthusiastically. when all my fellow classmates did not choose to become an ace leader and i went forward to experience the differences. when at the end of sec 4, i decided to learn how to cycle and to learn how to ice skate and roller blade. when i wanted to try music in the form of playing the guitar and trying out martial arts this year.

on a lighter note, or a scarier note, i will be serious in completing things i have started. very serious indeed, like making sure i dont miss out anything and every word in a serial like prisonbreak. rewinding back if someone interrupts just a mere sentence.

since young, i had this dream. to complete all the books in the world and all the games. of course, reality got the better of me. when i converse with royston, i was surprised. he had the same goals as me, same dreams. same passions. is this good, bad? or just a character trait?

to me, life's singular. and every experience we have will ultimately be accumulated and bound onto our lives. a life that we call our own. and that's what makes all of us different, special in our own ways. perfection vs assortment, being there done that, i chose the latter. and i believe that there's nothing wrong with both choices. being perfect in something has an opportunity cost of not being able to expose yourself to something else. while i, i wouldnt be really perfect in something at all.

most importantly, this entry existed because of TIME. and its only because of time that we had to choose, everyone wants to be perfect in everything they try, everything they set out to do. but if i am gonna die one day, let me enjoy everything that the human race has invented so far. as long as we derives happiness from the everyday thing we do, its all that matters.

i am a jack of all traits, what are you?

an update on my life.

it has been an eternal struggle even towards the end of 2007.
after the promos, it was natural for me to hibernate, and to bank on the many wonders of stayovers and mere city-crashing with the bunch of guys.
that special bunch of you guys, yl xd roy.
but.

we have to make sure that chinese As and OP have to be contemplated with. and it was like a hallucination for me, i am sure for most of you too. it seems we have been trained endlessly to be at our continual best efforts, that there's just too many things to mark one as truly significant. and then we all deviate our strengths, knowing that we can never fall back and try to revitalise because there's just no chance. no time.

and come to think of it, we all had to do what we all had to do. and just like that, two major examinations ended without much of a fanfare.

we were all definitely exhausted.

those two examinations was pretty significant to a certain extent.

a few centuries of chinese education, to be more specific, 10 years plus 2years of kindergarten's introduction and it was all boiled down to that one paper. during that examination, i had that mentality throughout the paper and of course, you can never squeeze everything into that one paper. i was not fully contented. :) but it was the best i could do.

chinese language has always been that reflective side of us, teaching us more than just mere facts but there was an element of feelings, an element of morals and virtues. and if we were all alittle more attentive, we would really learn alot from the mere "textbooks" of 12 years.

if i pass this H1 paper, it will be the very last formal chinese paper i set out to do. and then it will be more or less at the back of our heads. a whole world of language in a forgotten realm. just this once more, cheers to that second language i have always neglected.

then there was PW, the course of a year of messy, informal discusssions and haphazardous displays of resources, even some we made up with our genius minds. but our effort pays off. definitely for me, because that groundbreaker was de la salle. and it mattered quite alot to me. to know that this time, education comes in the form where you can negotiate, where you can do something that pleases you. the difficulty lies only in the coordination and the teamwork of my group but as long as we keep striving, it was more than just a pleasant surprise when we pulled it off during the oral presentation. cheers to you guys, adam, yingying, chris, cheryl.

and life continues, after a slumber or half a slumber at hsuante's, i feel much more insync with life. more in control once more. of the choices that will forge my very life. and i know there's nothing but the very journey that our every step will take that will finally shape us to who we are today.

been busy with ocip, but that will be a totally different story for another day. another entry.

live that life you so truly want, because who else can make that decision? who else can make you want to relive that moment, make you regret, make you think of the past and the achievements, the times? its all within you. only you.

thankyou for that wonderful entry. you said it took you an hour, but it will be with me for eternal. :)

as always, a momentary solitude from blogging and i am not used to writing again. there's this massive output in my head awaiting to be discharged systematically, sorted into their different realm. yet, it always overflow. and i am stuck, and i am stuck real bad. a multitude of stories and experiences to be divulged and the first sentence will always be the most difficult.

two things, i figured somehow, affected my life tremendously. because i felt the magnitude of not having them by my side. the first one is music, the second one, of course, is writing.

during the promos period, grandma's funeral and then there's openhouse and right until now, chinese A's and tomorrow's OP preparations, i never had the time i used to have.

my ipod rested solemnly in a corner collecting dust or in my bag if i even attempted to spend some time listening. but as always, it never occured to me but i gave up on listening some time back. phone calls, meeting proposals, revising for the papers made me forget the wonders of music.

i hardly even use the messenger then, not including even writing once more in my blog. those things i always had extra time to dwell about, to reflect upon and to crap along, never got through my head. proposals for the performances in openhouse was "more important".

things started to go haywire, i dont feel as calm. i dont feel as much as i am in control. coffee was a mere substitute to keep the body moving. but my mind then was already subdued into a mere person without much of a time for feelings.

and then i realise, deep down inside, there was something missing. gone were those days where we were all so much happier. gone were those days where one day seems a long time. and after some soul-searching, i realise the absence of music, the absence of writing. of course, music is so much easier to comprehend, to start recovering from. a mind in a mess will only produce a writing of gibberish. i wondered how i could have written well for promos.

that's why, when life gets the better of your control, subconsciously we all neglect things that were once important yet part of your life. the comfort zone is gone, but we hardly even look back. we strive, and we become less than human. a shadow of the previous fuller self.

find that music in your life. find that passion that once burned so warmly.

the sky was beautiful today, a smooth sapphire blue throughout, the whites of clouds professionally blended onto the blue, with a intrusion of orange during sunset.

or has the sky always been this wonderful ?

just that we never looked up, but busied ourselves with everything but nature.

it was only when i had all the time to myself today and stayed in my room the entire day, did i realise all the things we usually miss. equipped with just a book, i had the time to survey my room, to survey everything that used to be nothing. still, books and lecture notes sprawled all over the table but this time i see the dust that never got noticed. i saw my posters all backdated and old. i saw photographs and the trophies and the ranks i used to be so proud of.

when time passes so fast, do we all want to forget and take in the present, or are we not able to keep up constantly, and can only miss them when we think about them again? or do we just need more time to reflect? or should cherish them before its all too late?

during grandma's funeral, we all had the time off to look back into our own individual lives and our lives connected by grandma. and this special connection is what we collectively regard as family. that word seemed unimpactful when read but we all have our own definitions of family, our own life connected by loved ones and that's all that made life ever so wonderful.

while relatives talked about old times, about what grandma used to dol, i had the time to look back at my primary school. that own field i used to play soccer everyday after school, that assembly ground, that table-tennis area, the canteen and that aroma of new paint. i wondered whether the smell is there anymore? or had it all been worn away, embedded only in the minds of the past? its all part of childhood, but it was how i had grown to who i am now. unlike SJI, i dont feel a sense of belonging anymore. all i ever felt was that i used to be there.

looking at the children entering the school premises in the morning, rubbing the sleep from their eyes, yet a look of cheekiness, hopefulness and definite hidden smiles, running towards the gate the moment they are near, and looking again at the same children tired, the hidden smiles finally ensued as though they cant be kept in any longer.

and where are all my friends now? those people that i had given so much, that at that point of time, they were the ones i spent my times with.

slowly but surely, we are all forgotten. it seemed so close, yet the memories are all fading. but i knew i had fun. and i was really happy then, without a single thought about the world ahead. just the present, just the invaluable exchange of invaluable friendship and trust.

we will never get back to those days, and very soon after, we will never even give a second thought about our distant pasts without any catalysts, without any prompts. i hardly even see my school. come to think of it, i hardly see SJI anyway.

while i still remember. i wonder how you guys are doing? :)

i guess i will only know the names, and together with the names all your childhood faces.

truthfully, what hurts the most, it really was being so close. it was so fast, it was all too sudden. and only when life takes a drastic turn do you realise what truly is important. when the diagnostic states a few more months, we indulge in the perception that time is limited, but time was still what we had. until things go unaccording to plan. inaccordance to time.

and what's left, there's only regret. for me, grief was a mere by-product. i regretted not having spend enough time, not knowing more about you. not being there. and when you were still talking, even if you were in the hospital, i busied myself with my own commitments, the magnitude of what's happening never enters thoroughly. right until the news came that you were unconscious, we rushed. by then, time wasnt a factor anymore. it was too late. all i saw, was how hard you struggled and that pains me so much, i couldnt describe that feeling.

and now. i will never ever have the chance. to ever see you. to even address you or hear your voice.

when everything was put to stop, when i had to try pulling myself together, and keep studying for that promotional examinations, i realise how difficult it was to keep staying strong. to keep emotions away for the time being to focus on what's "important". and then i would finally realise that exams compared to your family is next to nothingness, that's when i had to discontinue taking my H1 geography. and even doing all my papers, everything was at the back of my head, and i couldnt concentrate. how could anyone human ever do that. how could a grandson knowing that time for his grandmother is limited still "mug" like a mugger, for all that's worth my name.

the whole 5 days of the wake, from the very beginning of seeing her once more, still and never will be alive again, never will i hear you laughing at my mom whenever they chat, and to sending her off to ashes, it was difficult. the fact that time still moves on, while a family of 15 tries to keep things in control. and the effort i put in, was merely a fraction of everyone's perseverance to not breakdown. it was these kind of scenario that you see the fragility, the essence of the vulnerability of life. there's a thin line, that will always snap, only to be reinforce, a stronger thicker one. seeing them tear, it was when reality strikes. we keep moving, occasionally picking the one beside us along the way, but are we ever prepared for such a thing. ignore old age, and bring in the fact that she is the mother for my father. and she is my grandmother. and all the more if they are older, that you have spent much more time with them.

all wasnt gone, because this departure brought the family closer together, because me and melvin finally got to talking again. and i realise that you maybe the one still pulling the strings, still enabling us, as the eldest of the family, to strengthen our bonds. we prayed together, some cried together. and we smile knowing that things will never be the end. knowing that her legacy will forever be passed on. and we looked like family again.

that very last moment, there was only solitude, and understanding that death escapes noone. and i am sure, you passed away knowing that you have built your family well and proper. till even i, will forever respect and love you. there were quiet tears and a peaceful ending.

this experience may have been known to many, but it was my first. and till now, i cant believe i was so calm throughout. being the youngest in the family, it really tested my maturity, just this whole issue enlightened me so much.

like how my sister quoted that "you'll be in our hearts, always" indirectly in her msn nick, i would want to thank you for being who you are. for i know you were there for my father, for who he is today.

i will miss your presence. we all will, but you will be here,deep within, embedded deep inside my heart.

i remembered writing in one entry about grandma. i only have one more grandmother. and this time, i will never regret.

rest in peace, mama.

today, as i went back home, a boy hardly reaching the height of my waist was flinging her mom's gentle grasp away. then, he walked with pride towards the escalator down. he could not reach the handgrip and his mom's hand fell gently back onto his wrist.

he flung her arm away again but looked unsure. inconfident and fearful. throughout the escalator ride, he exchanged short glances towards his mom, for affirmation? or was it the calm his mom provides? he kept his hands away no matter what. away from dependence.

we reached the bottom, he smiled a earful smile towards his mom, shone with pride and courage, knowing that he had grown up. knowing he is now independent.

his mom smiled back. she looked tired but relieved.

he never held his mom's hand back.


Many thousand years ago, i remembered you holding me, protecting me. and i relied on you. wholeheartedly. when did i ever stop? when was i like this boy? unknowingly, but seriously considering independence, away from your care. i forgot. but as time passes, and i grow up, our love was never forged through these actions. and never will it be again.

i remembered the constant rewards you gave me. i remembered the efforts you put in to ensure i had a wonderful birthday party. i remembered my latest 16th birthday, when you gave me a surprise. i remembered how you ironed my clothes, my ncc uniform dead in the night, with extra starch. i remembered how i told you off because the starch wasnt strong enough. when i was at the top, i told my cadets to love their moms for what they had done. but never to you. all i did was never needing you to starch anymore. i hardly say thanks. i took you for granted. you came to all my affirmations, when i got my best cadet award, when i became the csm, when i stepped down, when i got into council, when i started out in sji, sometimes even alone. i worried then, that you would be lonely, but when the main stage was on me, i forgotten about you.

and many a times, a mother's efforts, a mother's undying love seemed little and insignificant. they never complained. throughout my 17 years, you were there. you were the pillar that i took as my own. you were the strength, the last resort whenever i needed help. and when i was down, i knew you know, but i was not one who would share my secrets easily. i let it out on you instead.

and now i am 17years. and i realised the magnitude of what you have done. what i have achieved so far, who i am now as kaichuen, its because of you. the only kaichuen mom there is in this world. and i want you to know that deep down inside, i always regarded you as a strong woman who never fails to achieve. that you have done so much for me, that your impact on me is beyond what we all can comprehend. that deep down inside, i love you.

i looked back on our latest squabble. i raised my voice at you. i scolded you for working so hard at a part-time job. you came home late, you sleep late. you looked tired but you never complained. what's worse, you exhausted your weekends. i knew the importance of money. but i hope you do realise that at that time, i wanted us to be back, closer together already. because no amount of money can replace family. because i rather be poor, than be without you. but then again, who wouldnt want to relax? she did it because of the family.

from here on out, there will be no more holding hands. there will be no more kiddy runabouts, no more small little gifts. and do i miss them. but this time, let us be the pillar for one another. let's sit down over coffee and talk. let me tell you my side of the story i never did bother sharing. i know you want to know how your son is doing.

mom, i am great. because of you. how about you? sorry for the trials that come, and thank you. just thank you for being my one and only mother in this life of mine. one can do so much, and i may not be the best son that a mother can have. but i assure you that we will laugh at the end of the day. that destiny has brought us together, and i will cherish you.

happy birthday, mom.

its been 14 days.
that makes two weeks. a fortnight. a fortnight of council once more, the usual slumbers during lectures and tutorials, and a little bit of change in my life: a change that resulted in getting back a piece of my pasts, a piece of me which could have been lost forever if i didnt choose to do something. because i never wanted to forget anything, as much as i could remember.

blood donation publicity was over. lots of people donated, but i am sure its because of their personal selflessness rather than the success of the publicity. i dont know how much it helped though, but in any case, we did what we could. cheers, CI wing.

this time, its teachers day concert. and hell, the decorations will be daring, will be ambitious, i wondered whether we could pull it off. CI wing once more, i am sure we all will do what we do best.

i never had been able to catch up with my work, ionic equilibria was the chapter of sleep, market structure was never perfect as much as i really needed it to be. and you got the mundane river channels and erosions, a recap from martina chan's full geography then, with alittle addition that i never was comfortable with. then there was maths, integration on a whole new level.

whether i ever could integrate all of this together in time for promos, whether my facts would flow as smoothly as a helicoidal flow, or otherwise backsplashes and turbulence in the upper course of the river, whether i can finally differentiate the market structures in terms of the speed and relevance like how i used to for the previous chapters plus alot of examples not in the lecture notes and not in terms of dy/dx or whatever implicit differentiation will bring me. then there was ionic equlibrium which i would be surprised and think highly of myself if ever i could understand it.

whether or not, its really up to me. because i chose the path i wanted to, i still gonna make sure that commitments will stay as commitments. promises as promises. i will try my best. and not always make use of the excuses that council is crazily demanding. does that mean that the path you choose results in the negligence of a new path that needs to be chosen? but if we dont change the direction we are heading, wont we end up where we are going? because in life, its always about choosing for the better, and when you dont, you will only fall flat. so we change the direction, when we know it can bring us there faster or in a better shape once the destination is reached.

in 14days, you can do you so much.
14days can drift you away.
14days can change you.
how about the days after that.
how about then. the number of days left to promos.

prisonbreak.

how it tells me that life is about the people around you. how easily its affected by one another, how your path can be changed just because of someone else along the way.

throughout the whole season, admist the actions, the anticipation and the wow factor, it got me thinking. put yourself in the shoes of lincoln burrows, a prisoner who's to face capital punishment, on the electric chair. even if he's really at fault, to know your mistakes and to wait everyday until your death row, its seriously unimaginable. it is quite inhumane to let someone die, is it even more inhumane to let a person wait knowingly for his death. and to sit down on the chair and not resist the punishment. the person waiting, is he even a person after knowing his deathday. what if he's innocent, and no one ever knows except himself. its a trillion times worse. a stab in the back over and over again.

then there was michael scofield, the love of two brothers was portrayed damn well. guys never did know how to show love directly, and it was shown rather really. though, its fictatious and ambiguous, to go into jail and be so intelligent enough to come up with a plan so abstract. and to risk his whole life for someone else. his facial expression is always solemn and deep in thought, the stress of knowing a loved one is going too. and it boils down to the fragility of human life again. its not only lincoln who knows his death, but the impact he had on the loved ones. kudos to their actings, they were very good.

then there was this episode where the pasts of all the main characters were shown. most of them went into prison because they loved someone. because of someone so special. if there was no one else meaningful in the world, i am sure no one will be in prison. there just wasnt a need to.

and they all decided strongly for escape because once again, of their loved ones. maybe in reality, this belongs to the minority, but its still true that sometimes love means everything in the world. when you really live the fullest because of someone else.

i thought to myself, what if the prisoners who are sentenced to capital punishment was killed without knowing it. wouldnt it be better off for the prisoners, saving them the waiting period which is much worse than death? will the purpose be gone? the purpose of wanting the prisoners to know they are to die? or is the purpose just to rid the world off these prisoners for the safety of the country?

it was a good show, because it addressed many aspects of life, especially love. there's courage, selflessness, strategy, full of actions and twist. but they all still boils down to that one word.

thank you jon for lending me after i asked so many times. :) its worth it.

50years down the road,
what do we remember of our days when we were all young,
when we all discover what life had installed for us.
the little things that we find joy in, the conversations we used to have

do we remember the choices we made that impacted the path life will take?
do we remember the friendships forged and lost along the way?
if they all matter, will we remember them all?
i do hope so.

it seems life's going so fast now, that certain things have to be left untouched. and untouched it would be forever. lots of friendship were made, lots more broken. one moment the focus was on something i thought held meaning. next moment all were gone. i want to remember everything, i want everything to count. but sometimes, inevitably, things get lost along the way. and by things, i mean friendships too; relationship, someone precious, someone whom i could have known better, or just someone whom i missed out on, never ever had a chance.

and obviously, the things we do now, the many things we are often busy about, the commitments that we have, that is exactly where we will make our friends, and that is exactly where the limit lies. and tht would mean i wouldnt have the chance with anyone else after that. and to know that just makes me feel alittle down.

time does really matter afterall, or should i say, the lack of time.

even right now, sji seemed eons ago. when sji came into mind, i can only think of a few photographic memories etched deeply in my mind. still the same, i know sji had been there for me.

i do not want to forget. but will photographs ever replace that feelings we now have? i doubt so.
but right now where i am, let me cherish those times i have, the journeys with you guys give me faith.

50years down the road, i want to be able to tell my grandson how life has shone on me like how it will shine on you. how friends will come and go, but the memories will always last.

even right now, its happening.
what says 50years later. i guess i will just have more to immerse myself into. much more.
thanks people.

its pretty late. and today's pleasant, even that horror movie. smiles.

alicia reminded me about updating. so here i am.

its been a waterfall, my life. it started off as rapids. uneven riverbed. choppy. differential rate of erosion, sometimes life go slow, sometimes it move up and it goes on and off.
and then come the plunge. no, it's not an expression of sadness, like how things go down. rather, how things go fast. without control, except the seemingly unnoticed factor of gravitional pull after the erosion of less resistant rock. the erosion of those times.

yes. life's gone so fast, there werent much control, except the natural gravitional pull, the pull towards a lower land where it's safe again. when the water's calmer. where i want to be.
but all's well. since council begun, i had to work. i had to pick up i had to move. i cant look back. there wasnt much faith in looking back. because what lies ahead is the pathway forward, the choice made for that gleam of light.

we held meetings almost everyday. the events that will be held in cjc. throughout our term of office. carefully planned and chosen. the need for proposals, for discussions;time for meeting with the teachers. for knowing the fellow councillors, especially in CI. for just being there, because they make my day all the time. bottomline, we are ambitious, but i am sure it will all work out.

[blooddonation; openhouse; cip bank; environmental awareness; rockafella; orientation; aesthetics night; teachers' day and counting. and counting.]

after invest, we had our duties for the official PAC/LRC opening. it was sji once more. i was put into the very entrance of the PAC to meet and direct. it just reminds me that it doesnt matter who you are, but what you do. that every single one of us have a role to play, just so it all will be a success. and we. we are but only the frontline. to finally complete the puzzle.

saw bernard low.teacher back in sji. my CO when i became CSM. and found out he was a councillor in CJ. the 13th batch if i am not wrong, together with his wife. and it struck me how easy i could strike a conversation to a CO which i never did know how to speak properly then. he asked me whether i would find my love in council, just like he did. i just smiled.

and studies go backstage. fatigue is always apparent. i slept almost all lectures/tutorials. but somehow, the aftermath's not felt yet. do i see it extinguishing itself, or do i still have the strength to mend it. i wish for the latter. and i wish hard. to see to it that events are done in cj. i would want my life in cj to be as wonderful. as complete. and so must my grades. because its all that really count in this college.

we all have our waterfalls. because everyone wants their open seas. when the crazy river comes to a peaceful end. when we can finally see the horizon together with a smile, and a pat from a loved one.

and we all remember. that there's always a cave behind every waterfall. a reminder that life's not all that over. that we can choose to stop and breathe. even if the plunge falls hard.

33rd student council.
invested. installed.

what i thought, wasnt meant to be at all. and who i am now, wasnt what i expected. but its all smiles in the end, and it truly matter.

it all began lightyears ago. i chose. the reason being to affirm my leadership. it was pretty personal. sji brought me up, introduce leadership. and that's why i decided to try. its always the discovery that entices. and brought us to greater heights, greater understanding of ourselves. then, yiuleung was there. so we chose. we tried.

and then everything began to fall. rockbottom. but the elections with michael, the m&ms, got through pretty good. those pink posters, banners, those chocolates to please. thought i would like to apologise. i wasnt at my best. angsty. frustration. but we did it, and there we were, forging a close relationship in a totally new environment. there's the leadership training camp, posted sometime back in my blog. and all the way up till now, invested and starting the life of a student councillor. hod of community involvement.

half a year past.
and thousands of emotions together with it. the time seemed short, but i learnt so much. to know that friends are there. to know that there are so many of you out there who care. its all wonderful to bring me back up again. and to think back on all those obstacles that i have been through, it was one hell of a ride. i grew to like cjc, when i didnt in the beginning. the school gives so much opportunities, the school gives so much to reflect. its a matter of choice where you heads to. and when i finally reached out and open up, i saw people i could relate to. councillors and friends, peers, classmates that were together in my path to discover. and to know that life sometimes mean enjoying the rewards that you worked for, it just makes my heart jumped with joy.

initially, i thought there would be politics. that someone out there will want his glory, his respect. but i come to realise, that a team is needed to get by life. and when all of us feel the same way. its just undescribeable. when i know that we all want to embrace one another, to make life better for each other, and suffer together through deadlines and complains and laughs at the end, its all sji to me again. though we havent begun, i feel it all happening. :) i feel so natural with you all. and when cjc came into mind, i think of you guys. student council is not about those awesome highly respected leaders that other students will always dislike. because we all learn too and we help each other get by through life. its all tough now, many people still have their problems, and problems will be endless. but the will to eradicate them all stays prominent.

we will get by. and then we will all, cherish and remember the memories.

its one hell of a ride. but it seems the ride just begun.
but i can finally smile. genuinely once again.
i feel like kaichuen once more. when i thought i lose it all.

p.s. pinch me. :) inside joke!

070707
one of those days i would remember i guess. but definitely not as much as 080806.
still, its the first time i sat down to take in the display of the contingents. i know how exactly they feel up there in full uniform, in sight of everyone. how tight and how stiff, how you know everything you do your loved ones can see. its so different just sitting down.

it was sji's 155th. the annual parade right after mine. everyone looked the same, just grew alittle older, alittle wiser. am i then able to say that i grew likewise? haha.

it was the day the ncc(land) flag fell to the ground. the flag should never ever touched the ground, the flag should always be soaring high up. but "the impossible we do straight away, miracles take a little longer" (motto of sji ncc's). and sure enough the impossible we did it. but that's not the end, because the flagbearer continued to stand up and endure even after a wash of blackout, even when he couldnt support himself anymore. he fell. he got up and wobbled. he fell again but he endlessly tried to get back up. he stood up two more times before the toll got the better of it. and that. that's the miracle, that perseverance for the company despite the near-fatal consequence. the ability to summon so much more because you know the flag cant be down.

indeed, miracles take little longer. thank you ivan. you have done enough. you have proven to us that, sji and her uniformed groups, and her ncc is so important that you would not give up no matter what. i am sure many feel likewise about their belonging in sji.

the flag can fall sometimes, but the passion should never be extinct. because i know. we all tried. and we all tried hard and will, try harder.

forgiveness. compassion.
especially towards a person who meant so much. it hurts.

to forgive is to cease the feeling of resentment,anger, sadness. helplessness. of course, who wouldnt be the first to forgive someone of utmost importance in your life. and then, how could one even feel all those about someone they loved before even choosing the path of forgiveness. arent everything supposed to be happy. arent everything supposed to be kept in promise, in sync with each other.

the truth is. it never does. love conquers all. but can it ever conquer your life. when promises fstart to be broken, when things arent as good as it is, when things are withdraw from the relationship, how can one then said the relationship is still at its best? of course, we talk about depositing into the emotional bank account. but what happens when withdrawal exceeds deposit? what happened prior to depositing? doesnt life now seemed more important to the million and one promises that both parties made?

and then majority will start departing. its no more comfort zone. its a war zone. the words that break, the things that done wrongly, the feelings that gone awry. when a relationship fails, it meant there's no more meaning to it. things had gone too far.

but there's where forgiveness comes in. we only have that very life. and mistakes will accumulate as time passes. and that's when we should recognise human errors. the imperfection entails in everyone. to look beyond the doubts. the facade. to look beyond the mistakes. and look at the love that still holds both together. then maybe we will smile alittle happier. to know that beyond those errors, you know that things will finally work out.

because love is not only about whether its magical, special. but its of magical and special and acceptance and forgiving.

"When You're Gone"

I always needed time on my own

I never thought I'd need you there when I cry

And the days feel like years when I'm alone

And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

When you're gone

The pieces of my heart are missing you

When you're gone

The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok

I miss you

I've never felt this way before

Everything that I do reminds me of you

And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor

And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other

Out here forever

I know we were, yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know

Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]

what would you do, if you know you have one more day to live?

just that one more.

the ability to now choose to do what really's the most important, most significant, most meaningful because you finally know there's an expiry date etched onto you.

i asked myself that question and i found out it was immensely difficult to decide on something, something that we can finally do to be contented enough to die.

most deaths come unprepared. of course, how would we even know we are dead when we are dead? but when somehow you are diagnosed, when a statement has be passed on to tell you that your body is giving way, you are slowly perishing from this world. then. will your very life change. for the better. for the worse? or does it even qualifies as a life when death looms so near.

there's so much things to do, to explore. and we all know that life's not eternal. given that choice, will love be amplified? things that didnt matter as much, words that didnt seem important at all, will they all now not be taken for granted? before you go, will you cherish your loved ones, the ones that made up every chapter of that life? will it even matter. i am sure when everything's coming to an end, when everything you have lived for slowly disappears, the importance of the people around us, the loss, the grief, the parting of ways, it will all be experienced. will you cherish your loved ones, i am sure its a definite yes for everyone.

and when its all over for you, you will still live on in someone's heart. but we know, by then, its all too late.

i asked someone randomly. that person told me it would be a good thing. because ppl will not be complacent. they would not take life for granted. and the world will be a much better place.

what would i do, if i got one more day? i will make sure i try to make them know that they matter to me, even till my deathbed, that they will still continue living on. and cherishing. and hopefully, i will still be there living on, not physically. but at least spiritually.

all of them.

alright. this entry. is gonna come from all corners. all directions. trust me.

bernie said my blog is too much to think. she wants entries that can make her relax. not to wonder so much about life. i guess its a negative comment. :) so just this entry, its for you and all you out there who wants to "relax". *sarcasm*

the day ended with the most dreaded chinese. i chose the essay that most resembled my life. my sister decided against university and my dad wasnt happy. then it was all about respect, understanding, giving way, happiness. smiles. from everyone's point of view and how i should lead my life for that once in a lifetime genuine smile. adding in a fictatious sick mom in bed and really poor family background to make the teachers cry. in pain. right. all in simplified chinese. very.

i went out with guanwen to eat in town and to go back to sji. *read previous entries to find out why* nostalgic. juniors looked that much older. teachers the usual. i got slapped on my stomach by mr jude tan for not being a clt. i have my reasons sir, and i know you will understand. :)

had a chat with martin prior to maths exams. he felt the csm me is back. or he reaffirmed that i am always like that, deep within me. not about the passion for ncc, but my personality.

went out with t9 for dinner at fish&co. 3birthdays to celebrate. val, laura, colin. about half the class went. but when i was looking at the parade, i knew i was exhausted. real tired, guessed i actually tried for the midyears. so during the dinner, i just couldnt say much, the energy is gone. watching you guys mingled, its good enough. sorry. haha. oh, the little birthday gag that laura and val had to do was really creative. standing on the chairs, having sparkles, asking everyone to sing in the glasshouse and blowing the candle from the standing position. creativity guys.

and here i am blogging. before i am seriously fallen asleep. i feel that drain, guess the caffeine kept me moving my muscles, not my mind.

bernie. i hope its all good! its just an update of my life.

pretty different from my usual entries. nice experience! haha..

i skimmed through this book on the shelf : 101 things to do before you die. like the norms of bungee jumping, seeing a real volcano eruption, to stuff like getting arrested and catching a fish with your bare hands. there's this checklist for you to tick through and specify somemore. cool stuff.

have you even tried singing out loud in the streets when you are all alone in the late night and when its pouring? its a really crazy experience, especially to laugh at yourself in the end.

words can make a person.
words can break a person.
words can make a person break another person.

and so it seems.

but when the words truly come, directly, indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally, do we believe in it, or do we still stand by the friends who is targeted.

i believe being a rational person, feelings often take control. and its nothing wrong. you feel the frustration and the angst of the person giving the words. and since that person is another friend of yours, one becomes dumbfounded about the discovery, about the news. about the "actual" wolf in the sheep hide that you didnt know but somehow you heard from others.

however, doesnt anyone ever thought back about the relationship, the friendship that was forged singlehandedly by just that two people alone? is it really that easy for a third party, an outsider to the exclusive friendship make a judgement and causes the downfall of the relationship?

i have seen many losing the trust or taking a second look at their friends, especially those they just made, because of the words that so break them. a second look simply change everything that seemed perfect. more often than not, they move on, because somehow, its alright to lose them. start to forget and forever a negative mindset bestowed onto that person who could be a nice friend, who could actually be innocent. who might not even understand what he had just done to invoke these unfeelings, these hostility from a friend whom he thought would work well.

have we reach a point where connections with people become so vast that changing opinions can be so easy. so deadly.

shouldnt they even clarify with the friends who was "blacklisted" by others by words that actually heard. wont they feel that their friends they turned down be hurt at all?

but life's seemed to continue like this. fragile and instantaneous change of fate. where the person who can convince, wins. but then, is he really a friend?

trust. give them a chance. relationship shouldnt be motivated by others.

but by your beating heart.

i looked at the heading of my blog.

and i couldnt help but laugh.

how loyal i was last time. how hyped i was back then, belonging to the institution called St. Joseph Institution. that was sec2 if i remembered correctly.

and if i remembered correctly, i am still pretty hyped up about SJI.

of course, flashbacks of SJI are all still etched deeply in my mind. those happy moments, those sad moments. its beyond words how much i had grown there. and i believe everyone felt that exact same feeling about their old alma mater. there's just so much stories and experiences. and they are gonna last a lifetime.

i looked at the centennial video of sji ncc.

i glimpsed some pictures of me inside. when i was a cadet, when i was in the guard-of-honour contingent, when i was csm. and mr lui doing a speech just makes me smile.

why do people bother to create a video as a tribute to the 100years of establishment.
because i believe i would do it too. every cadet involved had 4years to it. only. and somehow its just special. that its sji ncc land. and air. of course, to others who never experience it, it wont mean anything to them. fair enough. but i am sure, to each his own, there's something that you so wish to contine belonging in. that you had belonged and you feel that pride. that honour of being just a part of it. something that gave you a part of the definition of your life.

and then i heard things are not too good for sji ncc land now. its flame is slowly burning away. that passion and that love is absent from the current cadets. something is missing. there's something lost.

and then i decided. my passion is not gone yet. and for this particular organisation, this particular school to have enable me. i seriously want it to continue enabling others too. i may not mean much, but to see an old boy come back to be part of their experiences. i am sure it will give them a slight boost of adrenaline. a slight revival of what's lost. air got their clts, even godwin is one. land has none. and i am not a clt. but i am a josephian, and a cadet. an ex-csm.

it wouldnt only be me. because i know many are still passionate. and if i would just inspire them all to come back. i am sure, you lovely cadets, will feel how i felt then. when there's so many old boys and when the "sji ncc land" was spoken, you felt that gush. a gush of affirmation. a gush of sweetness.

so here i pledge my allegiance again. an allegiance i pledge to four years ago. let the flag fly up high once more. and let the josephians feel how i felt years ago. this time with me trying hard. no more as a csm. but a mere old boy. its not about me now, its about you all. :)

i looked at the entries i typed during my days in SJI. the letter i wrote to the future csms. i smiled. its all so cute. and i am getting old.

yakhuan got me thinking of the past. she said she missed those times.

hell, i missed it too.
but life is such a way where things will move forward. only forward. into the vast unknown. future.

the times of yl, alicia, yakhuan, roy, kaixiang, yixuan and me. those were the days. and it seems everyone is drifting apart. even myself.

we are all in different colleges. we all made new friends.

memories. as the words suggest, is but something of the past. if life keeps moving on and leaving the past behind, then we gonna make it happen too. we gonna make this whole thing last.

i cant imagine another day where we can all be back together. its heart-wrenching to even think about it. but i would do anything to get back that wonderful story.

so if someone would ever listen to me, especially those that really matter now, cherish whatever you have and have had. and if those days were really good, but circumstances make it all crap, then we can do something. we can put the effort to make it all happen again. and that can only be possible if we feel the same for one another.

friendship. get it back before it's all too late. when its time to let go. naturally.

to you all, manage those obstacles first and manage them well. get it all over with. then we can solve this. together. once more.

i am onto it. how about you?

its two in the morning. and i find myself here.

staring into the perimeters of the screen. staring into those lonely stars, coupled with the lonely skies of endless black.

its two in the morning, and its three days to midyears. for all that it's worthed, its the examination for the time i began in cj. that six months of turbulence, coupled with the pathetic change of fate.

and yet i am still hanging on. i am still trying. thank god i am. after that leadership training camp and the exco election, and after a short episode of high fever, i made myself excruciatingly busy. busy with the works of a mugger. a late night one. because i cant just keep falling back to square one. because i have to be strong enough to even try letting go. let go but not give up.

the grade really doesnt matter to me now. because all i know is that with whatever i have left in me, i did my mugging. for all that it's worthed, i tried. i hope its all that matters. people around me are all feeling the stress. nearing it myself, i felt it too. yet another part of me asked of me that i really had done my best. more than all those previous attempt in exams, those half-hearted, last-minute bluffing of your way through. and with all those messed-up worries, we are still going to do it. we have to. lets just be calm and bite the damn bullet. how much shit can i get for six months. loads.

its all about confidence. its all about preparedness. many will say. i agree too. but its also about how much you want it. and how much it matters to you. because one of these exams, midyear or promos, i have to do well. to really know that at least i am still strong enough. that i am still alive. how about at least i kept my promise to you. to us. so here goes!

i will try, and only try hard. and when its all over, i know i tried, and along the way others can try too. and we all try together. and we all smile together in the end. there's nothing more to it.

its two in the morning. three more hours to go. three more days. now i choose. because everyone can choose to stand or fall. its just a matter of how tough that standing is.

its fucking tough.

dad's birthday falls on father's day. that's double whammy and a call for an immense celebration. pretty convenient too! but then again, without me and sis, father's day just gonna be insignificant in your life.

so this is for you.

it just seems that whenever there's a greater challenge that sets in. greater responsibility or any achievement that i get, i will have to tell you about it. it all begins after sji graduation. the letter that i wrote to you, got us talking. got us bonding together. i remembered initially i couldnt talk to you properly. and when it all started, our late night ventures and conversations really always got me thinking and make me feel that i am here for greater things to come. you are my catalyst, you are that strength that entice me to never give up. and just a thank you will not suffice.

you seemed softspoken, behind-the-scene. but when we converse, you are like a philosopher. those experiences about life. those mistakes that you are never afraid to admit. and as your son, i go in awe, to understand that there's a man that is but a reflection of my future. a father who had gone before me, who knows much more about everything than i could ever muster. you told me you arent really a leader, but its too late, you are a leader by examples. thatt humility. its so true to the heart. and just your words, can make me grow so much more.

i know you are a wise person. who didnt get the opportunity to shine. you were all poor then. and now i take this burden in my hands, that as your son, i will shine in place of you. because i am the one who's gonna continue your legacy, because now i have that opportunity to shine. you told me i shouldnt be tied down and influenced by you, that my life is largely my own and i should carve out my life, and not to live my life for you. of course. but life's about others around and you, dad, play a large part still in my life.

we will continue to talk. about your favourite topics. about china's history. about economics. about growing up and discovering about yourself. about life. about being happy. and yes, i will never forget anything that you have impart unto me. the ceaseless determination that you want me to have. about smiling in the end, with alittle more of everything.

just like you, but much happier. thank you so much for affirming me, for identifying my talents of inspiring others, that i am a people person. i know its biased, but it gives me confidence! its not so much about what you say, but why you even want to say it. :)

happy birthday. it meant alot than just a normal wish. naturally, i will mimic your footsteps, the path that you have chosen for yourself. of course, my path will differ, but why i chose it. i bet it will be similar.

so this is it. its a wonderful thing, to know that there's always a person who will have that much more experience about the trials of life. and for that person to endlessly and selflessly impart everything to you because of the unconditional love.

cherish them.

matchsticks.

this is the name i remembered voicing out because it was cute and i didnt like 'ignite' and 'flame' or something. matchsticks got a nice ring to it and how its capability of bringing on fire admist its fragile frame, how it needs friction and not by itself to create the spark, and how its temporary grant of fire makes the flame that much more precious, and just how the fire needs to be passed on stick by stick for eternity.

and that became our ltc grouping. and i was really happy bout it. there was not so much of pride, it was more of an affirmation. that sometimes the little things you said affects a whole group. and how it is to stay all throughout the camp.

and then came the exco nomination. and i was voted to be head of department. initially, i placed myself in the top 11 and i cant seem to picture myself there. there was a part of me without anymore drive. that, only my close friends understood why. yes i had tried to rise up. to be strong. but i didnt know i was that strong. :) thank you my friends, thank you fellow councillors. then there was a part of me who chose to go on a path of being totally natural. what you see is what kaichuen really is. at 17, after having undertaken several leadership roles in sec sch, i figured putting up a front, or striving to get what you want hardly make any sense because that's not the true you. so i didnt aim for anything. i just did what i felt like in anything that happened. and for you guys to still select me to be your hod, i am really thankful and proud of you guys.

from here on we move together, yes, now we strive as a team, as a wing, we make the best out of the 1 plus years that we have together. but then we make sure that in the end, we get there together, academically, spiritually, emotionally. and at the end of the line, we will be proud to say, we are part of the 33rd student council, not a council that puts on a mask and acts like everyone's leader and that we got an edge over others, but a council who truly understands that life is not about individualism but is much better of with people that have a common goal, a team spirit hardly experienced in reality. and then we can all say that this experience of life is one hell of a lifetime to keep, to cherish.

we will smile, some will laugh, some will be touched, but all of our hearts will burn with a common flame, like matchsticks. as we learn so much more about ourselves and our will to keep standing up for the people around us. then, the 33rd student council will truly be our council to remember.

sickness.

is it a mere coincidence that the physical turmoil and breakdown that results in the usual cold/flu/fever/etc. also results because of the equally immense mental stresses within? to me, it seems particularly true. that sickness often results in both states of rest. that coincidentally, some sicknesses are strategically placed for us to reflect while healing the body, the soul and most importantly the heart.

almost everyone is fine nearly the whole year round. i hardly had a serious one till 2days ago. and because of this, we often take our welfare for granted, till it attacks. and we hope to cherish our lives once more. the amazing thing is, while we cherish, we thought bout stuff. all kinds of stuff, and since our bodies is placed in a third-person view, we cant react, we can only put our minds to full activeness.

that was what happened to me. i couldnt do anything. admist all those irritations and pains and groanings, i figured that high fever of mine cleared my head tremendously. too much had happened.

and just by taking stock for a couple of days, you reached a new height of self-enlightenment. and then you become alittle bit more in tuned with that fast pace of crap that is thrown at you.

and then when you are well again. you start to neglect.

is it really just a mere cycle of human nature that needed to be intervened by nature itself?

at least i felt much refreshed now. when will i meet this pitstop again? cos no one wishes for it.

failure. success. love. friends. heart. mind. anxiety. morals. confusion. feelings. courage. fear. confidence. anticipation. human nature. life.

just a little less than an hour, we covered this much. more like i was crapping through everything. haha. you got me thinking about myself too. thank you.

you said what's the point now, when everything's so confused and in the end you will only disappoint yourself. you said you are tired of failing again and again. demoralising. you said you are being pulled apart by both the heart and the brain. and it easier said than done to think guiltily about whether it will be a success or a failure or its purely one-sided.

almost everyone felt like this before. unable to express, unable to move, temporarily paralysed because you reach a point when you can only wait. for the others. for the other. life's about the others anyway.all kind of feelings developed never because of solidarity. you will only be hollow inside without people around.

and so i said. its the same for everything. we can never put our hopes too high that we might ultimately fall. and fall hard. naturally, our instinct will force us not to gamble too much. but we all have feelings too, and its difficult to let your mind take over your heart, esp when its something you want, something you believe will last forever. open your mind to it, you dont have to say its easier say than done. because you dont even have to do anything about it. if you follow what your heart tells you, its that much sweeter.

and you said that i was the first person to tell you that. seems everyone tries to be "politically" correct. we all do. its always that much safer.

we go on about the heart and the brain. i believe that the heart still governs the brain. morals, decisions, especially more if about love, that its how we feel that truly decides our course of actions. its like we will go through all the confusion, anxiety, headaches, heartaches. and in the end, subconsciously, you will go with your heart that's affirmed by the brain and you tell yourself time will determine everything.

even when we chose to study, its the doings of the heart. and the heart is for the people around us whom we love.

then i said. i know the feeling of wanting and receiving it back. because i am feeling the feeling of wanting "back" and receiving it back "again".

you said you wondered why i even have problems when i know all the perfect solution to all problems. that made me smile. but i know no perfect solution at all. because i didnt even give any solution. no solution, just my feelings yet again.

but when you said its in me to portray these words. to enable someone else. to make someone else alittle happier. that made my day. i was thinking to myself, i had it worse. and i am still desperately searching for the way up. but i still can be here for someone else. its all painful guys, but we are in this. together.

you ended up without a cca. but your reasons were solid. you gave up on your cca because you made a choice. and that choice just showed how mature you are.

you said. i cant spend everything on that cca. because you finally understood that friendship is priceless. when you said its for us, i didnt scold you because you maybe using us as an excuse, but because i know you truly care.

friendship, its just that strong.

similarly, i made a choice too. it wasnt to complement you, it was a conincidence. a path that only we understood. because somehow, we learnt that it doesnt pay when things are gone. compared to you, i ended up with two ccas. prior to that being a htc and adding on to the load the nyaa that comes along with the extra skills needed.

so i chose. are we really happy having a position just for two years in jc? do we really feel that sense of glory? do i feel it when i had a position last time? or was something in life that's going to be for eternal much more important? even if it wasnt forever, that love, that connecting heartbeats, arent they more important than a mere temporary position in school that serves to make you feel better, to make you feel confident and accepted by others? yes, its true that the experience is awesome. i can never forget the prestige of being a csm. but if because of that i lose my loved ones, my friends? does that position even matter anymore? "i love being a csm, because i feel good about myself." bullshit. guanwen said i was damn lucky already, to have everything then.

tht's why, this time around, i wont be fighting. i will be who i am. because i know that's what people who love me wants. they wldnt want me changed into a nemesis, hunger for a position. naturally, ppl will look at me as who i am. furthermore, being a councillor. its already good enough. i look at how they are fighting in council now. reminds me of how i used to be.

so what. so what if i am a nobody in school or council.
when i can be everything to someone else.
when people still knows me as the real kaichuen. not one driven by power. but by love.

give me coffee. i immediately bounce up and prowl onto you with utter nonsensical nonsense. its like those caffeine gets into the blood, and it travels all over the body. and i translate it all through words, blabber, crap from my mouth.

but then again. it isnt exactly the coffee i feel. its that self-perception. maybe i really am trying my best to stand up once more. you see me trying to laugh sometimes, but when i am just happy inside, you said i am emo. yes iris?

i cant just keep falling back into square one. no matter how much it costs, no matter how it still stings and hurts instanteously upon encounters with the past. no matter how much i still cant give it up.

i wont give up. but i gotta be stronger than that. at least have control over your life again. at least enable ppl around me to smile. its terrible that feeling, and i dont wish anyone to feel it. at least i didnt put on a facade. that was something i was proud of. i cant act like i am strong all the time. kills my whole soul.

so this time. let me try once more. i promise you, kaichuen, i will do it.

H1. general paper. geography.

they seemed to be ancient since the last time i took the time to summarise, memorise, synergise.
those were just H1s many said. but i see almost everyone giving their all, the first shots of jc exams.

they turned out alright for me. thank god.

i wrote like how i have gotten very used to. feelings without facts. voice and passion without concrete evidence. i always thought those facts you can go read yourself, its my take on the story, my feelings that should matter to you. i tried adding some, it became technical.

geography was a regurgitation of sec4's hell. this time, i chose to plan my answers at every side of the question. became clearer but it was suicidal. i didnt had time to complete though i knew all the answers. its still an error of time management. i gt nothing to complain.

the important thing is to keep improving. to believe in yourself..

studies. believing in yourself. i realised everyone had their different stories of why they want to study hard. why they worked so hard.

my friends told me i was way too hardworking. on the surface, i said i had to before things come crushing in. commitments, friends. they feared i would burn out. i feared i would burn out. the funny thing : i never like studying, i never like settling down to stuff myself with notes upon notes. but miraculously i did.

because it was a promise between two. a pact. because it's proof i can stand up again. because i really want to tell myself, that i am stronger than that. no matter how painful things had gone to be. let me set straight my life once more.

then maybe the stars will shine again.

that's why i chose to pick my books. what's yours.